The other day I was on Twitter, scrolling through my newsfeed when I come across a tweet of a member of a famous boy band.
You know, the ones who have captured the interest of mothers everywhere because their daughters have suddenly started locking themselves up in their rooms while listening to their music, and have started having photos of boys whom they adore and worship as their wallpapers.
The replies to his simple tweet about a concert that was on that night had me running to the bathroom to empty my lunch out the wrong way.
1. The Desperate Ones
How, I wonder, can sixteen, seventeen year old girls ask a celebrity to have sex with them on a social media platform where the whole world can read it?
I can literally imagine a seventeen year old sitting and reading this go, “Oh em gee, she’s so old fashioned! Like, were you born in the sixteenth century, or what? Asking for sex is totally cool now! I’m out of here; I can’t hear a single word against having sex with my *insert nickname of celeb*!”
In case you’re that seventeen year old, I just want to wave a hand in front of your face and point out the fact that I’m eighteen, not too much older than yourself.
I’m not going act your Grandma’s age and tell you that there was a time when seventeen year olds wore long dresses, stayed indoors and never even spoke to a man unless he approached them first, because such times existed like, five hundred years ago.
We definitely don’t have that kind of society today, but I still wouldn’t go on a social media platform and publicly ask anyone, let alone a really well known singer, to screw me, no matter how badly I wanted him or how beautifully captivating his dimples were (yes, I do happen to know you love Harry’s dimples and Niall and Zayn’s eyes and Luke’s hair, dearest fangirl reading this. I really do.)
But get real, your favorite singer and the rest of them probably have better things to do.
2. The Numbered Ones
“Can you please give me your number!? I’d kill for it!”
Really, girl, really? Did you really think a member of one of the most famous current bands is going to give you his number, especially if you ask for it in public view?
Maybe you expected him to fan you back and then Direct Message you saying “Hey, I always love a fan who’d kill for my number! Please don’t kill anyone, here’s my number! I’ll be waiting for your message, honey!”
Please wake up. Please.
3. The Extremely Committed Ones
“Marry me *insert name of celeb*! I really love you!”
I really love pizza. Like, really, really love it. I love pizza as much as you love this cute singer guy times a thousand.
But I would never ask the chef to marry me just because he’s made me pizza. Even if he was hot.
Maybe you meant it as a joke.
In which case, hahahaha, good one!
But if you were serious about it, maybe you’ve missed your half yearly physical check-up, buddy.
I like One Direction, I really do. I like them, and Five Seconds of Summer, and every single boy band (apart from the screamos and metal heads) that has been around since the Beatles. They’re talented, especially the newer ones, and they’re passionate about what they do.
But I still wouldn’t ask any of their members to screw me, marry me, or give me their number.
I like them for their music.
If you’re a fangirl, become a fangirl because you like the music.
If you’re a fangirl because of the fact that Harry Styles has dimples, Niall has bright blue eyes, or Luke has awesome hair and they’re all single, and have access to a mobile, you’re not a fangirl, you’re a groupie.
And God alone knows One Direction, 5SOS or The Janoskians cannot possibly pay attention to that many groupies.
Think about it the next time you decide to reply to a tweet like that.